Here are 3 strategies that
never work - yet people always try:
Which of these 3 strategies are you trying right now, that are known to NOT WORK?
1. The first is to give them reassurance. "I've changed. I won't be controlling anymore. I won't lie to you anymore. I won't have another affair," I won't spend money, and so forth. The efforts to give them reassurance. This almost never works.
2. The second strategy is to tell them over and over again, "I love you." That never works.
3. The third strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk them into feeling different or doing different. That never works.
If you want to win start agreeing.
If you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they immediately become less wrong.
See, most people don't know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person, do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself, they will defend you.
They will reverse their position.
Amazing!
It works like magic!
Your spouse says, "You know, I want a divorce."
Your responce gently is "I understand. I agree." I want you to be happy.
It looks like you're moving faster toward a divorce, but you're getting at the roots of why they want a divorce. They want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them. and disagreeing with others.
They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them.
That's not the person they're pulling away from.
They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them.
People don't want to be married to somebody who's holding a gun on them.
"You owe me love because we're married. You've got to love me because we're married."
No, no. You've got to get rid of the hostility before their good feelings can show. And their hostility may seem to you like it's totally independent of anything that you do. You have to be more mature and develop a true love, the pure love of God, called Charity.
No more nagging!
You are supporting their negativism by your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way.
Just enthusiastically see it their way.
You're happy to do 95% of what they want.
Wow! That takes the props totally out from under their hostility. And so we want to continue this attitude.
You are acting secure now. Have faith, God will lead you, if you are faithful either way your life will be for the better. Understand that people go through doubt and depression, and selfishness.
When you say, "You're the only one that I can love, you're the only one that I can be happy with, you're the only one," you're really saying, "I'm a pea-brain. I can't really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can't see that. I don't have any confidence at all. Don't you want me?"
No, they don't.
"I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don't you want me?"
And the answer is no.
4. Pessimism. We become addicted to our own pessimism.
I once had a man say to me, "I know I can't win. You don't know my wife. She's very stubborn. She never changes her mind."
I say, "Never? About anything?"
"Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important."
I said, "Well, I think it's about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can't stand you. So obviously, she's changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind."
But people fall in love with pessimism. That's one of the strategies that never work...but people always try them! Now, here are...
Three Things You Can
Start Doing Right Away To
Turn The Tide In Your Favor...
When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn't want it, there is a clash of wills.
There is tension.
There is stress.
So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.
We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.
I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.
And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of "your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather." After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.
This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, "Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?"
She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, "Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier."
See, the opposite of what I suggested.
So I said, "Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier." And I kept on that way.
In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.
When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.
So use the jujitsu. Go with them.
Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.
You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.
Agree with their negative feelings - whatever they are.
"Yes, this relationship is hopeless."
"Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct."
Do not defend yourself.
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
The status quo - as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct - that you all were getting too serious too fast - or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
This uses jujitsu, and it always works.
Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.
You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
Now, this does not mean no contact.
If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk. Talk about your children, and the silly and cute things they say and are doing.
You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk. Talk about your common interest.
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.
You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
"When do you want me to pick the kids up?"
Or, "Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?"
These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.
Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
Agree with them, quickly.
Why?
Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.
If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!
Here's a typical case in my practice:
Recently a man called me and told me that his wife was telling him over and over again that she did not love him any more, and that "this marriage can't work and I don't want it to work."
And of course he was very upset.
I told him three sentences to say to her at the opportune moment, and we made an appointment on the telephone for the following Monday - this was on Tuesday.
He called me on Saturday very excited, he said, "I know we don't have an appointment until Monday but I just can't wait to tell you what happened! Last night my wife came home, plopped on the bed very tired, and she started telling me how she didn't love me anymore and that this marriage can't work and that she didn't even have the slightest desire for it to work.
I told her the three sentences you told me to say, and I used the tone of voice you told me to use, and then I was quiet.
She got up off the bed and walked around for about five minutes, came back and sat in a chair and looked me straight in the eye and said, "you know - I think this marriage can work, and I want it to work."
Those same simple strategies
can work for you too.
Those same three sentences, and the psychology behind them, can work for you too.
I know, because they've worked for thousands of people just like you.
Your situation is not unique. More importantly - your situation is NOT hopeless.
The strategies I use have been developed over 45 years of successfully working with people in all kinds of situations and circumstances.
Why Working At
Your Relationship Isn't Working
And What To Do About It...
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Proof? You want proof?
Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage.
It's a dumb thing to do.
Now, I've seen these ideas work in my own marriage, and in hundreds and hundreds of other people's lives. I'm 76 and my wife is 56. We've been married 30 years.
We've had rare, but sometimes serious problems.
Immediately, I follow these principles. She loses her negative feelings right away, or within an hour or two.
These ideas always work.
You see, they're not natural because our feelings are spoiled brats. They want to choose the goal and they want to choose the methods. We want to go to London, England, and we want to go by horseback.
Well, you can't go to London, England by horseback, cause your in the USA an dthere's an ocean between you and England.
You've got to let your head choose something.
Let your head choose the goal, so your feelings say, "I love this person and I to be want back with them." This is what your feelings are saying.
"Okay," your head says, "then you've got to do these things. You've got to agree and stop criticizing - cheerfully, happily - accept whatever your mate wants."
"But I feel I would lose."
There you go. The feelings want to choose everything. And the feelings, this time, are wrong. You lose with this method.
Your relationship will improve when you stop working at changing your mate and warmly allow your mate to be whomever they are.
If they want to be cold, it's perfectly okay.
They want to be hostile, they want to think that you're guilty of something that you're not, it's perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
It's only a preference that I get her or him back, or that they be more loving. It's not a need. The more that you think of it as a need, you're not going to get it.
If it's only a preference, you have a lot of power there.
If you desperately need a loan from the bank, the bank will say no.
Act positive, whether you feel like it or not. Take care of your feelings later on, but not during the game. Not during the game! During the game, you put on a strong front.
People tend to believe that, "they'll think that I don't care if I don't communicate that I need her or him."
Well, is telling them that you care, is it working?
Of course not.
Does it work? Does it work? Does it work?
Stop what doesn't work. Try something that has a chance of working.
I used to enjoy a TV show called The Commish.
The Commissioner, at the end of one show, is putting his arm around his son of about 15 years old, I guess, and saying, "Son, I was told when I was younger that there are three kinds of people. One kind is the dumb ones who don't learn. The smart ones who finanally learn from their own mistakes. Very smart ones that only need to make the mistake twice. But then there are the wise ones, the ones who learn from other people's mistakes."
When you've already made enough mistakes on your own, I'm telling you that other people have done the same kind of mistakes - the mistake of saying, "But I need you and I love you" - pressure, pressure, pressure. And it doesn't work for them, either.
Learn from what other people just like you have done to successfully win their lover's back, save their relationships, and restore all the wonderful things you had in the beginning...the affection, the love, the communication...and even the sex!
Here's How I Can Help You
save your relationship Starting Right Now.
Remember, everything you do right now is either helpful or harmful, and the most "natural" attitudes and actions often push your mate or lover away.
